Sex games packed with humour Archives

Sex games packed with humour Archives

sex games packed with humour Archives

sex games packed with humour Archives

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Pun and Funny English

Funny Puns, Play on Words, Wise Sayings, Proverbs,
Quotations, Humorous Use of the English Language,
and Strange Facts

More Pun and Funny English in Part 2

What Is a Pun?

"A pun, or paronomasia, is a form of word play that deliberately exploits an ambiguity between similar-sounding words for humorous or rhetorical effect. Such ambiguity may arise from the intentional misuse of homophonical, homographical, homonymic, polysemic, metonymic, or metaphorical language."

"A Pun is a joke or type of wordplay in which similar senses or sounds of two words or phrases, or different senses of the same word, are deliberately confused; To tell a pun, to make a play on words."

Above definitions from: - Funny Emails.

View more definitions of a Pun from The Free Dictionary.

Pun from Wikipedia.

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how hard you push the envelope, it's still stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. ~ Dr. Bob Moorehead. See Words Aptly Spoken and The Paradox of Our Time.

12. Why do we have noses that run and feet that smell? ~ Unknown.

13. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

14. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

19. The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it. ~ Anonymous.

20. An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way. ~ Charles Bukowski.

21. Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say. ~ Mitch Albom.

22. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. ~ Erica Jong.

23. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it. ~ Cullen Hightower.

24. We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit. ~ Aristotle.

25. Work for a cause, not for applause.
Live life to express, not to impress.
Don't strive to make your presence noticed, just make your absence felt. ~ Unknown.

26. You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. ~ Unknown.

27. I've failed the mathematics test so many times, I lost count. ~ Smitsy

28. The barber opened up a shavings account. ~ Adele - Bohemia, NY

29. My brother wishes he could compose smutty verse as good as mine. Is this scribbling ribaldry? ~ hamrag - London

30. The phone call interrupted my nap, and I never did get the rest. ~ Dave - Whittier, CA

31. A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation. ~ Anonymous

32. I used to be afraid of purchasing residential property for the purpose of renting, but now I have an apartment complex. ~ Kathy - Nashville, TN

33. Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that. ~ Dave - Coventry, UK

34. It's amazing what two or more sinners can achieve together with synergy. ~ Irish Limbo - Auckland

35. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. ~ Anonymous

36. I'm inclined to be laid back. ~ Irish Limbo - Auckland

37. I don't know what possessed me to attend that seance. ~ melman-kyusa

38. A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no. ~ Zac Hill

39. John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind. ~ Terry - Omaha, Nebraska

40. I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

41. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

42. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

43. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

44. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

45. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

46. The batteries were given out free of charge.

47. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

48. A will is a dead giveaway.

49. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

50. People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

51. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

52. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

53. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

54. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

55. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

56. Police were called to a day care center where a two-year-old was resisting a rest.

~ From Funny Joke Pictures

57. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

58. If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

59. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

60. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

61. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

62. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

63. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

64. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

65. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

66. The guy that fell into the glass making machine made a spectacle of himself.

67. Cauterize: made eye contact with her.

68. Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts.

69. In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

70. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

71. Do what you can, where you are, with what you have. ~ Theodore Roosevelt.

72. Believe you can and you're halfway there. ~ Theodore Roosevelt.

73. Every strike brings me closer to the next home run. ~ Babe Ruth.

74. Don't sweat the petty stuff. And don't pet the sweaty stuff. ~ George Carlin.

75. I cook using the 4 food groups: Canned, Boxed, Bagged and Frozen. ~ Aunty Acid.

76. Someday is not a day of the week. ~ Denise Brennan-Nelson.

77. The harder I work, the luckier I get. ~ Gary Player.

78. Fall seven times and stand up eight. ~ Japanese Proverb.

79. Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

80. The world of reality has its limits; the world of imagination is boundless. ~ Jean-Jacques Rousseau.

81. Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear. ~ George Addair.

82. Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin.

83. A group of chess enthusiasts were standing in the hotel lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to leave. "But why," they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

84. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. ~ Mark Twain.

85. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ~ Douglas Casey.

86. Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better. ~ Jim Rohn.

87. The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. ~ Muhammad Ali.

88. Don't count the days, make the days count. ~ Muhammad Ali.

89. It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am. ~ Muhammad Ali.

"I float like a Butterfly and sting like a Bee."
Hand-written note from Muhammad Ali
to John G. Powers, Butterfly Collector, March 21, 2001
Photo by I Lee
Picasa Web Album, April 15, 2016 or
Butterfly, April 15, 2016 Google Web Album
Type search "butterfly"

90. The man who has no imagination has no wings. ~ Muhammad Ali.

91. I shook up the world, I shook up the world. ~ Muhammad Ali.

92. Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. ~ Muhammad Ali.

93. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. ~ Unknown.

94. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. ~ Unknown.

95. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. ~ Jack Handey.

96. Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. ~ Winston Churchill.

97. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

98. Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement. ~ Unknown.

      Got stuck in children's playground. Image source:

99. Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. ~ Swami Sivananda.

100. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. ~ Unknown.

101. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments. ~ Unknown.

102. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. ~ Unknown.

103. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. ~ Unknown.

104. Time heals all wounds, but time also wounds all heels. ~ Unknown.

105. Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras.

106. If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. ~ Unknown.

107. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. ~ Franklin P. Jones.

108. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. ~ Andy Rooney.

109. Everything I need to know I learned from my dog: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. ~ Anonymous.

110. A husband complains to a marriage counselor: "When we were first married, I would come home from work, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years, it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."   "Why complain?" says the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

111. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

112. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

113. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

114. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

115. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

116. We drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.

117. Does "expect the unexpected" make the "unexpected expected"?

118. Why are "wise man" and "wise guy" opposites? And also "overlook" and "oversee" opposites?

119. We recite at a play and play at a recital.

120. It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. ~ Mark Twain.

121. When you give someone your whole heart and he doesn't want it, you cannot take it back. It's gone forever. ~ Sylvia Plath.

122. You are confined only by the walls you build yourself. ~ Andrew Murphy.

123. Love is blind, and greed insatiable. ~ Chinese proverb.

124. If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. ~ Abraham Maslow.

125. I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. ~ George Burns.

126. Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. ~ Mahatma Gandhi.

127. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. ~ Chili Davis.

128. The three grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for. ~ Alexander Chalmers.

129. Can you read this? Figuratively Speaking: Example of a Brain Study.
Are you one of 55% of the people who can read the following?

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?
7H15 M3554G3
S3RV35 7O PR0V3
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 15
R34D1NG 17
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.

If you can raed the abvoe, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.

Can you raed this? Olny 55 poeple out of 100 can.

Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can raed tihs. I cdnuolt bielvee that I cluod aulaclty uendsatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.

Azanmig, huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this, forwrad it.

130. Life is a promise; fulfill it. ~ Mother Teresa.

131. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ~ Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.

132. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! ~ Pericles (430 BC).

133. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. ~ Winston Churchill.

134. Friendship must never be buried under the weight of misunderstanding. ~ Sri Chinmoy.

135. Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest. It's about who came, and never left your side. ~ Broken Friendship Quotes collected by Uttara Manohar.

136. We always thought we'd look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought we'd look back on our laughter and cry. ~ Broken Friendship Quotes collected by Uttara Manohar.

137. Give me the shortest word in the English language that contains the letters: abcdef, i.e. give me your feedback.

138. A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence. ~ Pun of the Day.

139. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me. ~ Pun of the Day.

140. John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind. ~ Terry - Omaha, NE.

141. Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%, they blame it on the cost of living. ~ Jose - Miami.

142. It's better to love a short girl than not a tall. ~ Pun of the Day.

143. Alarms: What an octopus is.

144. I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. ~ Kurt Cobain.
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. ~ André Gide, Autumn Leaves.

145. You can agree with me, or you can be wrong. ~ Edgar Argo.

146. In London, one man to another:
        "You know, my daughter has married an Irishman."
        "Oh, really?"
        "No, O'Reilly."

147. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

148. What do you call a male ladybird?

149. Absolute seriousness is never without a dash of humor. ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

150. Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. ~ George Bernard Shaw.

151. From So You Think French Is Hard? Try English ... PD Workshop: Creating a Basic Web Page - Web Page 36 by Lorenzo Morra:

• I take it you already know of tough and bough and cough and dough.
• Others may stumble but not you, on hiccough, thorough, tough and through.
• Well done! And now you wish perhaps to learn of less familiar traps?
• Beware of heard, a dreadful word that looks like beard and sounds like bird.
• And dead -- it's said like bed, not bead -- For goodness' sake, don't call it deed.
• Watch out for meat and great and threat (they rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
• A moth is not a moth in mother, nor both in bother, broth in brother.
• And here is not a match for there, nor dear and fear or bear and pear.
• And then there's dose and rose and lose, just look them up -- goose and choose,
• And cork and work, and card and ward, and front and font, and word and sword,
• And do and go, and lone and gone, and wart and cart -- Come, come! I've hardly made a start!
• A dreadful language? Man alive!
• I mastered it when I was five!

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

152. This drain must be opened up because it is stopped up. See more UP words at Are You UP for This?

153. Patient: "I've hurt my arm in several places."
        Doctor: "Well, don't go there anymore."

154. What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth. ~ Yiddish proverb.

155. Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. ~ Albert Einstein.

156. Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. ~ Albert Einstein.

157. What hair color do bald people put on their driver's licence?

158. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin. ~ Grace Hansen.

159. The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters. ~ Harold Nicolson.

160. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. ~ Bill Clinton.

161. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. ~ Barack Obama.

162. Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. ~ Tommy Lee.

163. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. ~ Oscar Wilde.

164. Winston Churchill vs. Lady Astor
Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee.
Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

165. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. ~ Unknown.

166. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. ~ Unknown.

167. Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel).

168. It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. ~ Henry David Thoreau.

169. New York Mayor Ed Koch to Andrew Kirtzmanafter, the reporter: I can explain this to you, I can't comprehend it for you.

170. If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough. ~ Albert Einstein.

Georgia Guidestones
Image source: Unbelievable Facts

171. Georgia Guidestones
Info from Wikipedia and other sources: The Georgia Guidestones are a granite monument erected in 1980 in Elbert County, Georgia, in the United States. A message consisting of a set of ten guidelines or principles is engraved on the Georgia Guidestones [June 1979] in eight different languages, one language on each face of the four large upright stones. The monument dubbed as the "American Stonehenge" consists of five granite slabs, each weighing over 20 tons, are placed to form a star pattern. Moving clockwise around the structure from due north, these languages are: English, Spanish, Swahili, Hindi, Hebrew, Arabic, Chinese, and Russian.

1. Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature.
2. Guide reproduction wisely - improving fitness and diversity.
3. Unite humanity with a living new language.
4. Rule passion - faith - tradition - and all things with tempered reason.
5. Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts.
6. Let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court.
7. Avoid petty laws and useless officials.
8. Balance personal rights with social duties.
9. Prize truth - beauty - love - seeking harmony with the infinite.
10. Be not a cancer on the earth - Leave room for nature - Leave room for nature.

172. I've never met a Bitter person who was Thankful. Or a Thankful person who was Bitter. ~ Nick Vujicic,

173. It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.
It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.
It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give.
And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live. ~ Bette Midler.

174. It is by chance that we met, by choice that we became friends. ~ Unknown.

175. Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. ~ Mark Twain.

176. Man can believe the impossible, but can never believe the improbable. ~ Oscar Wilde.

177. A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally. ~ Oscar Wilde.

178. Is man one of God's blunders? Or is God one of man's blunders? ~ Friedrich Nietzsche.

179. Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted. ~ Albert Einstein.

180. To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.

• I am the greatest. ~ Muhammad Ali.

181. The only way to have a friend is to be one. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.

182. As long as a man stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.

183. What is not started today is never finished tomorrow. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832).

184. He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

185. Some people die at 25 and aren't buried until 75. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

186. Content makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

187. By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

188. In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

189. Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

190. Common sense is not so common. ~ Voltaire.

191. If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples, then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas. ~ George Bernard Shaw.

192. Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be. ~ Abraham Lincoln.

193. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. ~ Abraham Lincoln.
     ● It's better to be silent than be a fool. ~ Harper Lee.
     ● Denke, bevor du sprichst. ~ Unknown. German translation: Think before you speak.

194. The mind is everything. What you think you become. ~ Buddha.

195. A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. ~ Winston Churchill.

196. The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see. ~ Winston Churchill.

197. Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. ~ Winston Churchill.

198. Nobody can hurt me without my permission. ~ Mahatma Gandhi.

199. An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind. ~ Mahatma Gandhi.

200. The Roots of Violence: Wealth without work, Pleasure without conscience, Knowledge without character, Commerce without morality, Science without humanity, Worship without sacrifice, Politics without principles. ~ Mahatma Gandhi.

201. An injured friend is the bitterest of foes. ~ Thomas Jefferson.

202. I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. ~ Robert McCloskey.

203. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. ~ Unknown.

204. Which is the most Dangerous Letter in English?
        The Answer is "W" - as in Wrong.
        "W" is a tension generator because all the worries and troubles you get begins with "W".
        Who? Why? What? When? Which? Whom? Where? War. Wine. Whisky. Women. Wealth.
        And finally ...
        You have to accept this:
        Whether you like it or not ...

205. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. ~ The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971).
        Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. ~ The Senility Prayer by Unknown.

206. A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion. ~ Chinese Proverb.

207. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~ From Short Funny Quotes.

208. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again. ~ Unknown.

209. A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing one's eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"

210: The English language has some wonderfully collective nouns for the various groups of living organisms:

• an Ambush of Tigers, Widows
• an Army of Caterpillars, Frogs
• an Aurora of Polar Bears
• a Babble of Barbers
• a Band of Robbers
• a Bask of Crocodiles
• a Battery of Barracudas
• a Bed of Clams, Cockles, Mussels, Oysters
• a Bloat of Hippopotami
• a Board of Trustees
• a Brood of Hens, Chickens
• a Cast of Actors
• a Charm of Hummingbirds
• a Choir of Singers
• a Clan of Hyenas
• a Class of Students
• a Clew of Worms
• a Cloud of Bats, Grasshoppers
• a Clutter of Spiders
• a Cohort of Zebras
• a Colony of Ants, Beavers, Rabbits, Rats, Seals, Termites, Wasps
• a Company of Parrots
• a Congregation of Magpies, Worshippers
• a Congress of Baboons
• a Crash of Rhinoceroses
• a Crew of Sailors
• a Culture of Bacteria
• a Den of Snakes, Thieves
• a Destruction of Wildcats
• an Eloquence of Lawyers
• an Exaltation of Doves, Larks
• a Faculty of Academics
• a Fall of Lambs
• a Family of Otters, Sardines
• a Flight of Butterflies, Dragons, Insects, Pigeons, Swallows
• a Flock of Birds, Camels, Chickens, Lice, Sheep, Tourists, Turkeys
• a Flush of Ducks
• a Gaggle of Geese, Women
• a Gang of Buffalos, Hoodlums, Workmen
• a Herd of Cattle, Cows, Dinosaurs, Llamas, Moose, Seahorses, Swans, Yaks
• a Host of Angels
• a Huddle of Walruses
• an Illusion of Magicians
• an Intrusion of Cockroaches
• a Knot of Toads
• a Leap of Leopards
• a Litter of Pups
• a Mess of Iguanas
• a Mischief of Mice
• a Mob of Kangaroos, Wallabyies, Wombats
• a Murder of Crows, Ravens, Rooks
• a Nursery of Raccoons
• an Orchestra of Musicians
• a Pack of Hounds, Wolves
• a Parliament of Owls
• a Picket of Strikers
• a Pity of Prisoners
• a Plague of Locusts
• a Pod of Pelicans
• a Posse of Police, Sheriffs
• a Prickle of Porcupines
• a Pride of Lions, Ostriches
• a Quiver of Cobras
• a Rhumba of Rattlesnakes
• a Rookery of Penguins
• a Run of Poultry
• a School of Fish, Porpoises, Whales
• a Scourge of Mosquitoes
• a Shiver of Sharks
• a Shoal of Fish, Mackerels, Minnows
• a Shrewdness of Apes
• a Slate of Candidates
• a Squabble of Seagulls
• a Squad of Soldiers
• a Stable of Horses
• a Stuck of Jellyfish
• a Stud of Mares
• a Surfeit of Skunks
• a Swarm of Bees, Eels, Flies
• a Team of Athletes, Oxen
• a Tribe of Natives
• a Troop of Boy Scouts, Chimps, Monkeys
• a Troupe of Acrobats, Minstrels, Performers, Shrimps
• a Watch of Nightingales

~ From: Collective Nouns.

211. I think, therefore I am.
Cogito ergo sum. (Latin).
Je pense donc je suis. (French). ~ René Descartes.
Ich denke, also bin ich. (German).
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think. ~ George Carlin.
I am what I am. That's all. ~ Popeye the Sailor Man.

212. A wistful waste makes a woeful want. ~ Virgil B. Lawrence.

213. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou.

214. It's better to be judged by twelve than to be carried by six. ~ A police and military saying.

215. Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you. ~ Unknown.

216. The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1,400 feet per second. ~ Unknown.

217. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

218. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

219. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

220. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

221. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

222. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

223. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

224. There are no short cuts to any place worth going. ~ Beverly Sills.

225. A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members. ~ David Coblitz.

226. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

227. Every man has the right to risk his own life in order to preserve it. Has it ever been said that a man who throws himself out the window to escape from a fire is guilty of suicide? ~ Jean-Jacques Rousseau.

228. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

229. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

230. Will Will will the will to Will? ~ Unknown.

231. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. ~ From Paul Niquette's paraprosdokian.

232. There's a price on your head? Take it! ~ From Jewish Paraprosdokians.

233. Laughter is the best medicine since you don't have health insurance. ~ From Jewish Paraprosdokians.

234. A friend in need is usually something you don't need. ~ From Jewish Paraprosdokians.

235. Men do make passes at girls who wear glasses, it depends on their frames. ~ Dorothy Parker.

236. Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

237. Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~ Eugene Bell, Jr.

238. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~ Hilary Cooper.

239. George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. ~ George Carlin.

240. The future will soon be a thing of the past. ~ George Carlin.

241. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. ~ George Carlin.

242. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. ~ George Carlin.

243. "No comment" is a comment. ~ George Carlin.

244. So far, this is the oldest I've been. ~ George Carlin.

245. (On Christianity) Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money. ~ George Carlin.

246. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ~ George Carlin.

247. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years. ~ Dr. Bob Moorehead.

248. As we get older, it is not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn't do. ~ Unknown.
Possible origin of above quote: Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. ~ Sydney J. Harris.

249. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. ~ Unknown.

250. Anything you really want, you can attain, if you really go after it. ~ Wayne Dyer.

251. Conflict cannot survive without your participation. ~ Wayne Dyer.

252. What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds. ~ Wayne Dyer.

253. Give me a child and I'll shape him into anything. ~ B. F. Skinner.

254. If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours! ~ Unknown.

255. Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters. ~ Albert Einstein.

256. Some people live and learn, others live but never learn. ~ I. Lee, 26 January 2013.

257. I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped. ~ Gestalt prayer. (Frederick Perls quote).

258. He who spends time regretting the past loses the present and risks the future. ~ Quevedo (Spanish poet, satirist, 1580-1645).

259. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

260. All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays. ~ Cathy Ladman.

261. When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity; when many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion. ~ Robert Pirsig.

262. A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. ~ Abba Eban.

263. Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. ~ Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - From Quotations - Volume 5.

264. A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. ~ Robert Frost.

265. The worst disability is a bad attitude. ~ Michael Muir.

266. Making mistakes is not a problem, not catching those mistakes is where the trouble starts. ~ Ed Berger.

267. Do something for somebody every day for which you do not get paid. ~ Albert Schweitzer.

268. The greatest joys are those that are shared. ~ Leon Fleisher.

269. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~ Ogden Nash.

270. For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of potential happiness. ~ Quoted by Miriam Herwig - From Quotations - Volume 5.

271. Real heroes don't save the world, they serve the world. ~ Quoted by Linda Bird - From Quotations - Volume 5.

272. The richest person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least. ~ Unknown.

273. Fear makes strangers of people who could be friends. ~ Shirley Maclaine.

274. What the mind doesn't understand, it worships or fears. ~ Alice Walker.

275. If you planted hope today in any hopeless heart,
If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part,
If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away,
If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray,
Then your day was well spent. ~ Anonymous.

276. Don't confuse what you have a right to do with what's right to do. ~ William Bennett.

277. Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. ~ Winston Churchill.

278. Before eating, always take a little time to thank the food. ~ American Indian Proverb.

279. Doc, why is it that when I speak to God it's a prayer, and when God speaks to me it's schizophrenia? ~ Russian Joke - From Quotations - Volume 5.

280. If you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic. ~ Unknown.

281. Trust is the first step to love. ~ Munshi Premchand.

281. He who wants to accomplish finds a way. He who doesn't, finds an excuse. ~ Hector D. Cantu and Carlos Castellanos in Baldo (Cartoon) - From Quotations - Volume 5.

282. Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is. ~ William James.

283. Almost all our faults are more pardonable than the methods we resort to to hide them. ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld.

284. Men build too many walls and not enough bridges. ~ Isaac Newton.

285. Journalists do not believe the lies of politicians, but they do repeat them, which is even worse! ~ Michel Colucci.

286. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. ~ Wayne Gretzky.

287. If you think you can, you can. If you think you can't, you're right. ~ Mary Kay Ash.

288. Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses. ~ Confucius.

289. In the end only kindness matters. ~ Jim Garnett.

290. Talent is God-given; be humble. Fame is man-given; be thankful. Conceit is self-given; be careful. ~ John R. Wooden.

291. In one and the same fire, clay grows hard and wax melts. ~ Francis Bacon.

292. Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. ~ Robert Orben.

293. There is usually only a limited amount of damage that can be done by dull or stupid people. For creating a truly monumental disaster, you need people with high IQs. ~ Thomas Sowell.

294. He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened. ~ Lao Tzu.

295. Fantasy is the impossible made probable. Science fiction is the improbable made possible. ~ Rod Serling.

296. We are all atheists about most of the gods that societies have ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further. ~ Richard Dawkins.

297. The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom. ~ Isaac Asimov.

298. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. ~ Unknown.

299. There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. ~ Peter Drucker.

300. The cardinal doctrine of a fanatic's creed is that his enemies are the enemies of God. ~ Andrew Dickson White.

301. Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. ~ Mark Twain.

302. The truth always turns out to be simpler than you thought. ~ Richard Feynman.

303. It's easy to make good decisions when there are no bad options. ~ Robert Half.

304. The search for someone to blame is always successful. ~ Robert Half.

305. Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald.

306. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. ~ Unknown.

307. Worry is a misuse of imagination. ~ Dan Zadra in Together We Can.

308. It is not how old you are, but how you are old. ~ Jules Renard.

309. English is a funny language. A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing. ~ Jack Herbert.

310. The height of embarrassment is when two sets of eyes meet through a keyhole. ~ Unknown.

311. No matter how busy a man is, he is never too busy to stop and talk about how busy he is. ~ Unknown.

312. Leopards! Be ready for a spot check! ~ Graffiti.

313. One holds his job by knowing how. One becomes boss by knowing why. ~ Perry Tanksley.

314. Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. ~ Mark Twain.

315. The greatest influence on a child begins with the birth of his parents. ~ Les Crane.

316. Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

317. The three great essentials of happiness are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. ~ W. A. Nance (attr. to Joseph Addison, and also to Alexander Chalmers).

318. There are three ingredients in the good life: Learning, earning and yearning. ~ Christopher Morley.

319. It is better to be able to appreciate things you cannot have than to have things you are not able to appreciate. ~ Unknown.

320. Society takes action only when gangrene sets in. ~ H. D. Doan.

321. There is no cure for birth and death, save to enjoy the interval. ~ George Santayana.

322. Luck is the crossroads where preparation and opportunity meet. ~ Unknown.

323. Luck is what you have left over after you give 100 percent. ~ Langston Coleman.

324. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

325. O Lord, help my words to be gracious and tender today, for tomorrow I may have to eat them. ~ Unknown.

326. The trouble with half-truths is that people tend to believe the wrong half. ~ Unknown.

327. A half truth is a whole lie. ~ Yiddish Proverb.

328. He who's not busy living is busy dying. ~ Bob Dylan.

329. The question is not how busy we are, but what are we busy about. ~ Henry David Thoreau.

330. Averages are composed of all abnormalities. ~ C. VanDenBrink.

331. Average is the best of the worst and the worst of the best. ~ Unknown.

332. If I accept the sunshine and warmth, I must also accept the thunder and the lightning. ~ Kahlil Gibran.

333. If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over? ~ Unknown.

334. There are only two lasting bequests we can give our children: one is roots, the other, wings. ~ Hodding Carter.

335. To love someone is to stay close enough to touch, leaving space enough to grow. ~ Unknown.

336. Only the man who is below the average in economic ability desires equality; those who are conscious of superior ability desire freedom; and in the end superior ability has its way. ~ Will and Ariel Durant.

337. Life is not a having and a getting, but a being and a becoming. ~ Matthew Arnold.

338. A ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for. ~ Socrates.

339. No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. ~ Aesop.

340. What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.

341. Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in our own sunshine. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.

342. For every complex question there is a simple answer. And it's wrong. ~ H. L. Mencken.

343. A narrow mind has a broad tongue. ~ Arabian Proverb.

344. Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly. ~ Louis Ginsberg.

345. When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. ~ Alexander Graham Bell.

346. Quality is remembered long after price is forgotten. ~ Julian Morel.

347. Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer. ~ Charles M. Schultz.

348. Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects. ~ Arnold H. Glasow.

349. The most important things in life aren't things. ~ Anthony J. D'Angelo.
        The best things in life aren't things. ~ Unknown.
        Die besten Sachen im Leben gibt es umsonst. ~ German saying. Translation: The best things in life are free.

350. People without hope for tomorrow have a very difficult time living for today. ~ Doug Kanney.

351. If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done. ~ Thomas Jefferson.
        To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. ~ Unknown.

352. There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. ~ Albert Einstein.

353. You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try. ~ Beverly Sills.

354. To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might just be the world. ~ Unknown.

355. Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to become angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not easy. ~ Aristotle.

356. Don't let yesterday use up too much of today. ~ Will Rogers.

357. Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. ~ Buddha.

358. The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one. ~ Elbert Hubbard.

359. We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. ~ Unknown.

360. Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible. ~ John Wooden.

361. Happiness is inward, and not outward; and so, it does not depend on what we have, but on what we are. ~ Henry Van Dyke.

362. Worry is as useless as a handle on a snowball. ~ Mitzi Chandler .

363. It is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret. ~ Jacqueline "Jackie" Joyner-Kersee.

364. Don't count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count. ~ Anonymous.

365. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~ Dalai Lama.

366. A difficult time can be more readily endured if we retain the conviction that our existence holds a purpose: a cause to pursue, a person to love, a goal to achieve. ~ John Maxwell.

367. Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. ~ Albert Einstein.

368. Definition of Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

369. Definition of a Nillionaire: A person with little or no money.

370. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. ~ Milton Berle.

371. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ~ Lana Turner.

372. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. ~ Casey Stengel.

373. To love is nothing. To be loved is something. To love and be loved is everything. ~ Unknown.


374. Church Bulletins as they actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Adapted from a variety of sources including Funny Church Bulletin Board Notices):

● The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

● The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

● Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

● The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

● Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

● Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

● For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

● Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

● The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'

● Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

● A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

● At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

● Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

● Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

● The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

● Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow.

● The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

● This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

● Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

● The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

● Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

● The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

● Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

● Join us tonight for prayers, coffee and fresh beagles.

● Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

● This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

● Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor."

● This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

● The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

● Ushers will eat latecomers.

● The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

● The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

● Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

● The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

● Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

● The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

● Wrinkled with burdens? Come to church for a faith lift!

375. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

376. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

377. Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. ~ Bob Hope.

378. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

388. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

389. Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!

390. Girls have an unfair advantage over men: If they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb. ~ Yul Brynner.

391. It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.

392. If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment. ~ Dave Allen.

393. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. ~ Unknown.

394. A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. ~ Steve Fergosi.

395. On Welfare:
● You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
● What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
● The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

396. There may be a time when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest. ~ Elie Wiesel.

397. I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. ~ Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

398. Don't go through life, grow through life. ~ Eric Butterworth.

399. The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. ~ Alfred Adler.

400. Den größten Fehler, den man im Leben machen kann, ist, immer Angst zu haben, einen Fehler zu machen. ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Translated from German: The biggest mistake you can make in life is always being afraid of making a mistake.

401. The purpose of life is a life of purpose. ~ Robert Byrne.

402. To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one's own in the midst of abundance. ~ Buddha.

403. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. ~ Henry David Thoreau (American Essayist, Poet and Philosopher, 1817-1862)

404. Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference. ~ Unknown.

405. If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road. ~ Maxine.

406. Nichts ist so beständig wie der Wechsel! ~ German saying. Translation: Nothing is as constant as change!
        The only thing constant in life is change. ~ François de La Rochefoucauld.

407. Few people have the wisdom to prefer the criticism that would do them good, to the praise that deceives them. ~ François de La Rochefoucauld.

408. Thinkers think and doers do. But until the thinkers do and the doers think, progress will be just another word in the already overburdened vocabulary by sense. ~ François de La Rochefoucauld.

409. To eat is a necessity, but to eat intelligently is an art. ~ François de La Rochefoucauld.

410. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two Hearts and a Diamond. By the end, you wish you had a Club and a Spade. ~ Aunty Acid.

411. Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to come out.

412. Every end has a new beginning. ~ Carissa Ciciarelli.

413. Strange, Interesting Facts or Useless Knowledge:
Note: Some of the following statements may or may not be true or factual. If they seem suspicious, check them out on

● Each King on playing cards represent a King in real history:
♠ Spades: King David
♣ Clubs: Alexander the Great
♥ Hearts: Charlesmagne - Only King without a moustache on a standard playing card.
♦ Diamonds: Julius Caesar


● Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

● The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad.

● Samhainophobia is the the fear of Halloween.

● The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth is called Arachibutyrophobia.

● Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

● The typical lead pencil can draw a line that is 35 miles long.

● The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

● The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.

● 73 percent of people who buy flowers on Valentine's Day are men, while only 27 percent are women.

Plants, Food, Drink:

● Almonds are a member of the peach family.

● There are so many kinds of apples that if you ate a new one every day, it would take you over 20 years to try them all.

● Canadians spent $9.14 billion on beer in 2013 ($324 per adult), which equates to 2.27 billion litres of beer.

● Did you know that there is an actual phobia in which sufferers experience fear of seeing an empty beer glass? This disorder is called Cenosillicaphobia.

● Black pepper is the most popular spice in the world.

● Broccoli is actually a flower.

● Honey is the only food that does not spoil.

● Macadamia nuts are not sold in their shells because it takes 300 psi (pounds of pressure per square inch) to crack the shell. They are the toughest nuts in the world.

● Early dynamite used peanuts as ingredients. When dynamite was first produced, one of its ingredients was peanut.

● Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F. Peanut oil was used to produce glycerol, an ingredient in nitroglycerin.

● One ragweed plant can release as many as one billion grains of pollen.

● The first Jack O'Lanterns were actually made from turnips.

● Roses symbolize peace and war, love and forgiveness.
White roses are for true love.
Red roses are often considered the universal symbol of love.
Red roses are for passion.
Typical bright red rose indicates romance.
Pink roses symbolize gratitude, grace, and joy.
Purple roses indicate a fascination or adoration.
Purple roses are often associated with royalty and splendor and were often given to queens and kings.
Lavender roses mean "love at first sight."
Yellow roses are a symbol of friendship and caring.
Orange roses indicate enthusiasm and passion.
Brown roses convey a feeling of warmth, intimacy, romance and stability.
White roses are a symbol of humility, purity, innocence and in some cases, chastity.
Often referred to as the bridal rose, a white rose is associated with young love.
White roses are also a sign of respect or remembrance.
Since the blue rose itself is a rarity in nature, it symbolizes the impossible, or the unattainable.
Green roses are a sign of fertility, abundance and copiousness.
Black roses symbolize death and mourning.
Black roses are often used at funerals as they mean sadness, farewell, bereavement, loss and mortality.
Black roses are technically a very dark shade of red, purple, or maroon roses.

Animals, Birds, Reptiles, Insects, etc.:

● In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

● A box jellyfish sting can lead to cardiovascular collapse and death within minutes, making it the most venomous creature on Earth.

● Goats have rectangular pupils.

● Chicks, like humans, count from left to right. Birds in the News.

● The closest living relative to the Tyrannosaurus rex is the chicken. The Tyrannosaurus rex also shares ancestry with ostriches and alligators.

● Cheetahs are the fastest land animal and can reach speeds up to 72 mph.

● One of the most dangerous insects in the world is the common housefly. Houseflies carry and transmit more diseases than any other creatures in the world.

● Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

● Scallops have up to 100 eyes around the edge of their mantles.

● Sea otters hold hands while they sleep, so they don't drift apart at night.

● A snail can sleep for three years.

● An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

● The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

● The bloodhound is the only animal in the world whose evidence is admissible in court.

● For more than 3,000 years, Carpenter Ants have been used to close wounds in India, Asia, Australia and South America. See 11 Biomaterials that can heal the human body. Including, yes, biting ants.

● At 188 decibels, the whistle of the blue whale is the loudest sound produced by any animal.

● A blue whale's tongue is bigger than an elephant.

● A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

● A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.

● If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

● Starfish have no brains. A starfish doesn't have a brain in its head like we do. Instead its entire nervous system acts like a distributed brain. Starfish from Wiki.Answers.

● A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

● 24 rabbits released in Victoria (Australia) in 1859 grew to a population of 10 billion in less than 70 years.

● When a male bee climaxes, their testicles explode then they die.

● A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

● Wombat feces are cubic.

● The poisonous part of chocolate for our four-legged friends is a chemical called theobromine. While harmless to humans, it can lead to epileptic seizures and death in dogs. Also, don't feed your dog with walnuts or raw onions. (See: Dogs and Chocolate: Get the Facts and Foods That Are Hazardous to Dogs).

● Goats have rectangular pupils.

● The Basenji dog is the only dog that is not able to bark.

● Dogs and Humans are the only animals with prostates.

● Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

● A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

● A duck's quack has no echo, and nobody knows why.

● A cockroach can live 9 days without its head. It only dies because it cannot eat.

● Butterflies taste with their feet.

● A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

● A hedgebog's heart beats an average of 300 times a minute.

● A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

● Giant tortoises from the Galapagos can survive without food or water for up to a year.

● All polar bears are left handed.

● Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Hippos and Rhinos have only two knees and can jump. Elephants have four knees).

● Emus cannot walk backwards.

● Kangaroos cannot walk. They can only jump. (Ankle bones of Kangaroos have been adapted for bipedal hopping).

● Female kangaroos have three vaginas. Quora explains why.

● A new born kangaroo is small enough to fit in a spoon.

● Most tigers have yellow eyes, but white tigers usually have blue eyes, due to the gene for blue eyes being linked to the gene for white fur.

● The stripes on each tiger are unique, like human fingerprints.

● Just like housecats, the markings on a tiger's fur are also found on their skin, so even a shaved tiger would still show its stripes.

● Birds, reptiles and amphibians have varying number of vertebrae in their necks, but mammals, regardless of size of animal or length of the animal's neck, only have seven. As a rule, all mammals have the same number of vertebrae in their necks whether they are a giraffe, a mouse, or a human. Sloths and manatees are exceptions to this rule having abnormal numbers of cervical vertebrae.

● An American bald eagle once flew all the way to Shannon, Ireland - 3,000 miles across the Atlantic with the help of strong westerly winds. He was so exhausted that he had to be nursed back to health. He was then put in a cage for the seven-hour flight to New York via first-class jet with an official send-off from Irish Prime Minister Charles Haughey, 22 Dec 1987.

● A leech has 32 brains.

● The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

● Mosquitoes pee on you when they suck your blood.

● Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

● Slugs have four noses.

● A chicken with red earlobes will produce brown eggs, and a chicken with white earlobes will produce white eggs.

● All pandas are owned by China. China rents a pair of giant pandas out to zoos for $1 million a year for a minimum of 10 years.


● The World's Most Valuable Brands 2013: 1. Apple. 2. Microsoft. 3. Coca-Cola. 4. IBM. 5. Google. 6. McDonald's. 7. General Electric (GE). 8. Intel. 9. Samsung. 10. Louis Vuitton (LV luxury products). 11. BMW. 12. Cisco. 13. Oracle. 14. Toyota. 15. AT&T. 16. Mercedes-Benz. 17.Disney. 18. Wal-Mart. 19. Budweiser. 20 Honda. 21. SAP (application software). 22. Verizon. 23. Gillette. 24. Nike. 25. Pepsi.

● The World's Most Valuable Brands 2015: 1. Apple. 2. Microsoft. 3. Google. 4. Coca-Cola. 5. IBM. 6. McDonald's. 7. Samsung. 8. Toyota. 9. General Electric (GE). 10. Facebook. 11. Disney. 12. AT&T. 13. Amazon. 14. Louis Vuitton (LV luxury products). 15. Cisco. 16. BMW. 17. Oracle. 18. Nike. 19. Intel. 20. Wal-Mart. 21. Verizon. 22. American Express. 23. Honda. 24. Mercedes-Benz. 25. Budweiser.

● Top 25 Most Valuable Brands in 2018 by Ricky Singh, MBA. Top 25 companies with the most valuable brand value as of May 2018. Brand value refers to the financial assets of the brand while brand equity refers to the value of the brand to a customer. 1. Amazon. 2. Apple. 3. Google. 4. Samsung. 5. Facebook. 6. AT&T. 7. Microsoft. 8. Verizon. 9. Walmart. 10. ICBC. 11. China Construction Bank. 12. Alibaba. 13. China Mobile. 14. Wells Fargo. 15. Mercedes-Benz. 16. Toyota. 17. BMW. 18. Bank of China. 19. State Grid. 20. NTT Group. 21. Tencent. 22. T (Deutsche Telekom in Germany). 23. Shell. 24. Chase. 25. Huawei.

● The World's Most Valuable Brands 2019 from Forbes: 1. Apple. 2. Google. 3. Microsoft. 4. Amazon. 5. Facebook. 6. Coca-Cola. 7. Samsung. 8. Disney. 9. Toyota. 10. McDonald's. 11. AT&T. 12. Louis Vuitton. 13. Intel. 14. NIKE. 15. Cisco. 16. GE. 17. Mercedes-Benz. 18. Oracle. 19. Verizon. 20. IBM. 21. BMW. 22. SAP. 23. Marlboro. 24. Budweiser. 25. Visa.

Countries, Places:

● Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.

● Australia has 10,685 beaches. You could visit a new beach every day for more than 29 years.

● 90% of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents 70% of all the fresh water in the world.

● The driest place on Earth is in Antarctica in an area called the Dry Valleys, which have seen no rain for nearly 2 million years.

● Toronto, Ontario, Canada was the first city in the world with a computerized traffic signal system.

● With 1896 km (1178 mi), the Yonge Street in Canada, is the longest street in the world.
Note from Wikipedia: "Until 1999, the Guinness Book of World Records repeated the popular misconception that it [Yonge Street] was 1,896 km (1,178 mi) long, and thus the longest street in the world; this was due to a mistaken conflation of Yonge Street with the rest of Ontario's Highway 11. Yonge Street (including the Bradford-to-Barrie extension) is actually 86 kilometres (53.4379 miles) long."

● On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. (Not true! An American flag has never appeared on any Canadian Banknote. The flag on the $10 banknote, which might look like the American flag to some people, is actually the Canadian Red Ensign - Canada's old flag before the Maple Leaf flag in 1965.

● In Canada, Mexico, India, Russia and Israel, bank notes have Braille-like markings on them for the blind.

● The entire population of Canada (35,540,400 on July 1, 2014) has fewer people than Tokyo's metropolitan area (37,832,892 in 2014).

● The name "Canada" comes from the St. Lawrence Iroquoian language word "Kanata" meaning "Village".

● In Canada, polar bear swims take place on New Year's Day to celebrate the new year. People of all ages don bathing suits and plunge into the icy-cold lake water.

● The winter of 1911 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

● Residents of Churchill, Manitoba, Canada leave their cars unlocked to offer an escape for pedestrians who might encounter polar bears.

● Licence plates in the Canadian Northwest Territories are shaped like polar bears. (Yellowknife, NT is 1170 km or 727 miles northwest of Churchill, MB).

● Canada has the longest coastline of any country in the world.

● Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world's lakes combined.

● Wasaga Beach is the longest fresh water beach in the world.

● 20% of the world's fresh water is in Canada.

● 31% of Canada is taken up by forests.

● Canada is the World's most educated country in the world with over half of our residents having College degrees. 99% of Canada's population is literate.

● Some Canadian inventions include: Basketball, Baseball glove, electric wheelchair, telephone, electric cooking range, trivial pursuit, snowmobile and IMAX.

● Canada is the second largest country in the world.

● Canada has 6 time zones.

● All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the American $5 bill.

● An American dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

● The USA bought Alaska from Russia for about 2 cents per acre ($4.74/km2). Treaty signed at 4 a.m. on March 30, 1867 with the purchase price set at $7.2 million.

● The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

● More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

● The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

● The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% of the world's oxygen supply.

● In 1819, the USA purchased Florida from Spain for the cancellation of a $5 million debt.

● Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.

●If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

● In the United States, Maine is the only state which name is just one syllable.

● There are upwards of 61,000 people in the air over the United States of America at an time on any given day. This is due to the U.S. having the largest number of airports worldwide accounting for roughly 1/3 of the world's total airports.

● The shortest flight in the world is by Loganair, a Scottish airline. The entire journey between two Orkney Islands, Westray and Papa Westray is a 1,750 yard flight, which takes as little as 47 seconds or up to 2 minutes, depending on winds.
The longest flight in the world is Qantas' flight from Sydney, Australia to Dallas, Texas, a 17-hour flight which spans about 8,576 miles.

● There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

● The Palazzo, a luxury hotel and casino resort located on the Las Vegas Strip in Paradise, Nevada, is named the largest hotel in the world by the Guinness Book of World Records. Its total floor area covers 6,948,980 square feet (645,581 m2).

● Norway will allow any student from anywhere in the world to study at its Public Universities completely free of charge.

● The Netherlands is closing 19 prisons due to a serious prisoner shortage.

● The Waterloo Bridge in London, England was largely built by women in World War 2 and is nicknamed the "Ladies Bridge".

● China has more English speakers than the United States.

● Chopsticks originated from China approximately 4,000 years ago.

● In 1391, China began producing toliet paper for use by its Emperors.

● The only South East Asian country that has never been colonized by a Western Power is Thailand.

● Mongolia is the least densely populated country in the world with 1.89 people per square kilometer, or around 0.77 people per square mile, in 2014.
Macau (a Special Administrative Region of the People's Republic of China) is the most densely populated country/territory in the world with 54,882 people per square kilometer, circa March 31, 2014.

● Japan has approximately 200 volcanoes and is home to 10% of the active volcanoes in the world.

● At Japan's Yunessun Spa Resort, visitors can go for a swim in their favorite beverage, such as in the Japanese Sake Spa, Green Tea Spa, Coffee Spa and Wine Spa. A massive 2 meter tall teapot with real green tea, real coffee made with hot spring water, a huge 3.6 meter tall wine bottle with real red wine, a huge cask filled with real Japanese sake, pours out the desired rejuvenating elixirs into the spa.

● 99% of Libya's land mass is covered in desert.

● The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

● Papua New Guinea (Ethnic groups: Melanesian, Papuan, Negrito, Micronesian, Polynesian) has the largest number of spoken languages (850 languages circa 2015).

● Istanbul, Turkey is the only city in the world located on two continents.

● The San Alfonso del Mar resort in Chile has the world's largest swimming pool. The pool is 1,013 m (3,323 ft) long, covering 8 ha (20 acres), containing some 250 million litres (66 million US gallons) of seawater, with a maximum depth of 11.5 ft (3.5 m).

Earth, Moon, Sun, Stars, Planets:

● Because it takes so long for their light to reach Earth, many of the stars you see at night are long gone.

● The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

● The sun is 400x further from the earth than the moon, but the moon is 400x smaller than the sun.

● The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

● Due to earth's gravity, it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

● There is more fresh water under the earth's surface than there is above it.

● There is a glacier called "Blood Falls" in Antarctica that regularly pours out red liquid, making it look like the ice is bleeding. (It's actually oxidised salty water.)

● Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

● Venus rotates so slowly, you can watch the sunset forever just by walking.

● A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

● If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

● Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

● A lightning bolt generates temperatures five times hotter than those found at the sun's surface.

● There are 500,000 detectable earthquakes in the world each year.

● The average cloud weighs over a million pounds.

● The largest snowflake ever recorded reportedly measured 15 inches across.

Famous People:

● Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w the film down so you could see his moves.

● Once Charlie Chaplin entered a contest for "Charlie Chaplin look-alikes" and he came in third.

● Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

● The month of October is not mentioned at all in any of William Shakespeare's plays.

● Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

● Canadians James Till and Ernest McCulloch are credited with the discovery of the stem cell.

● Insulin, a hormone produced by the pancreas was first isolated at the University of Toronto, Canada, in 1921-22 by Dr. Frederick Banting and Charles Best.


● It is now the year 2018. If you were born in between 1990 to 1999, then you have lived 3 Decades, 2 Centuries and 2 Millenniums and you are not even 30 years old yet.

● In 1567, the man said to have the longest beard in the world died after he tripped over his beard running away from a fire.

● A family of people with blue skin lived in Kentucky for many generations. The Fulgates of Troublesome Creek are thought to have gained their blue skin through combination of inbreeding and a rare genetic condition known as methemoglobinemia.

● Everyone has a unique smell, except for identical twins, who smell the same.

● Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

● If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

● One out of 20 people have an extra rib. See Cervical rib from Wikipedia.

● Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles per hour.

● The body's strongest muscle is our tongue, and it is the only muscle attached at one end. Also, there are no two tongue prints that are alike.

● Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

● A sneeze travels out of your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

● It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

● Fingernails grow nearly four times faster than toenails.

● Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

● Women blink nearly twice as much as men due to the higher levels of the hormone estrogen within their system.

● Men are six times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

● A U.S. park ranger named Roy C. Sullivan held the record for being struck by lightning the most times, having been struck - and surviving - seven times between 1942 and 1977. He died of a self-inflicted gunshot in 1983.

● What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?   Answer: All were invented by women.

● Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.

● Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side.

● Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

● Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you are not.

● It is impossible to lick your elbow. Bet You Can't .... BuzzFeed Video, 2:01 min.

● Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

● The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.

● Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

● Eyes are richly supplied with blood and nutrients and eye wounds heal quickly as compared to other tissues.

● Blue colored tissues exist under all brown colored eyes and there is a Laser procedure which can change the color of the eyes from brown to blue.

● The tooth is the only part of the human body that can't heal itself.

● The Romans used to clean and whiten their teeth with urine. Apparently it works. Please don't do it, though.

● A person's height is determined by the father, and weight is determined by the mother.

● If you weigh 200 pounds on Earth, you'll be only 76 pounds on Mars. You're not overweight, you're just not on the right planet.

● You replace every particle in your body every seven years. You are literally not the same person you were 7 years ago.

● The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as an encyclopedia.

● Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb.

● Though it interprets pain signals from the rest of the body, the brain itself cannot feel pain.

● Your brain uses 20% of the oxygen that enters your bloodstream, and is itself made up of 80% water.

● Like fingerprints, every individual has an unique tongue print that can be used for identification.

● The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood Plasma.

● There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing: food, attractive people, and danger.

● Our body gives enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water.

● If a part of your body "falls asleep", you can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head.

● A human head remains conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it has been decapitated.

● Corpses can get goosebumps.

● You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.

● Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.

● In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase: "Goodnight, sleep tight."

● The colder the room you sleep in, the higher the chances are that you'll have a bad dream.

● People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don't.

● It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown.

● A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands. There are about a trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

● Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.

● If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

● Every three days, a human stomach gets a new lining.

● Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

● Humans are born with 300 bones in their body, however, when a person reaches adulthood, he or she only has 206 bones. This occurs because many of them join together to make a single bone.

● The average life span of a single red blood cell is 120 days.

● The most common blood type in the world is Type O. The rarest blood type, called HH, was first discovered in Bombay in 1952, and hence christened as Bombay Blood. People who carry this rare blood type, about 1 in 10,000 Indians, can accept blood only from another Bombay Blood type individual, and not from anyone who is O, A, B or AB type.

● The palms of your hands and the soles of your feet cannot tan, or grow hair.

● By 60 years of age, 60% of men and 40% of women will snore.

● By the age of 60, most people will have lost about half their taste buds.

● Half of all humans who have ever lived, died from malaria.

● The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

● Laziness and inactivity kill just as many people as smoking.

● About one third of the human race has 20-20 vision. (Excluding those who had cataract surgeries).

● When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

● The five senses: Virtually every child since the time of Aristotle has learned about the five senses in school. As it turns out, five is just the start: humans can sense much more than light, smell, sound, taste, and touch. We also perceive such essential qualities as temperature (thermoreception), pain (nociception), balance (equilibrioception), the position of our bodies (proprioception), the passage of time (temporal perception), and many inner states, such as hunger and thirst (interoception). ~ Info source: Common "facts" that are actually false by Catherine Keogan, 22 Jan 2020.

● If 33 million people held hands, they could make it all the way around the equator.

Law, History:

● In California, it is illegal for a vehicle without a driver to exceed 60 miles per hour.

● In Chicago, it is illegal for anyone to eat in a place that is on fire.

● In Devon, Texas, it is against the law to make furniture while you are nude.

● In Kentucky, it's illegal to paint your lawn red.

● In Miami, Florida, imitating animals is illegal.

● In Michigan, it is illegal to chain an alligator to a fire hydrant.

● In Oklahoma, it is illegal to make faces at a dog, a crime that could result in a prison sentence.

● In San Francisco, it's illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

● In South Carolina, it is legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.

● In Tennessee, you are breaking the law if you drive while sleeping.

● In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a Sasquatch or Bigfoot if one is ever found.

● In England, it is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the King or Queen upside down.

● In Germany, it is illegal to stop on an autobahn (expressway). It is also illegal to run out of gas on an autobahn.

● In France, it is illegal to name a pig "Napoleon".

● In France, it is stated as illegal to marry a dead person.

● In Samoa, it is a crime to forget your own wife's birthday.

● In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be sentenced to death by firing squad.

● In Singapore, chewing gum is illegal. Spitting in public is also illegal and can result in arrest.

● In Bangladesh, children age 15 and older can be sent to jail for cheating on their final exams.

● In Lebanon, if a man is caught having sex with a male animal, the penalty is death. Sex with a female animal is okay.

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, sex games packed with humour Archives

List of controversial video games

Release dateTitlePlatformDeveloper/PublisherReason(s) 2000Dance Dance Revolution SoloArcadeKonamiIn 2002, a local arcade in San Diego, California removed a Solo 2000 machine after members of the local "Youth Advocacy Coalition" complained that the background movies of selected songs contained images that could promote drug and alcohol abuse, such as a scantily clad nurse, pills in "I'm Alive" and alcoholic drinks appearing in "Club Tropicana". The machine was replaced by a mix which did not contain the imagery.[38]2000DaikatanaPCIon StormA highly controversial advertisement regarding John Romero's involvement with the game, which caused an equally highly publicized outrage.[39]2000 Soldier of FortunePC, Dreamcast, PS2 Raven SoftwareIn 2000, after receiving a complaint from a member of the public about the explicit content of the game, the British Columbia Film Classification Office investigated and decided the violence, gore and acts of torture were not suitable for persons under 18 years of age. In a controversial decision, the game was labeled an "adult motion picture" and was rated as a pornographic film. In Germany, the game was placed on the Index List of the Federal Department for Media Harmful to Young Persons. 2000Perfect DarkN64, Xbox 360, Xbox One (Rare Replay)Rare, Nintendo, Microsoft Studios (now Xbox Game Studios)As the first M-rated game published by Nintendo, the release of Perfect Dark was met with controversy since Nintendo - at least at the time - was famous for family-friendly video game franchises like Pokémon and Mario.[40]2001Conker's Bad Fur DayN64, Xbox One (Rare Replay)Rare, Nintendo, Microsoft Studios (now Xbox Game Studios)Controversial for its "over-the-top" and "lewd" humor.[41]2001Tear Ring SagaPS1TirnanogThe game, whose development was spearheaded by Shouzou Kaga, the creator of the Fire Emblem series, was subject to legal actions both during and after development by Nintendo, which owned the Fire Emblem intellectual property (partly due to the game being released for a competitor console). However, Nintendo was ultimately unable to stop the development or the sales of the game. Initially titled Emblem Saga during development, the game's name and other features were later changed to remove all direct references to Fire Emblem.[42]2002Shadow Man: 2econd ComingPlayStation 2AcclaimAn attempt to promote this video game involved placing advertisements on deceased people's gravestones.[43]2002Ethnic CleansingPCResistance RecordsRacially motivated violence, white supremacist themes.[44]2002Kaboom!Browserfabolous999Players control a suicide bomber, the aim of the game being to kill as many people as possible.[45]2002State of EmergencyPC, PS2, XboxRockstar Games (Take-Two Interactive), VIS EntertainmentContains Columbine-style violence, including political assassinations and coup d'états. Additionally, the game caused controversy in Washington due to the game's similarities to the World Trade Organization riots in Seattle.[46]2003Postal 2PCRunning with ScissorsViolence against both pedestrians and law enforcement personnel, racism, sexual themes, drug use, language, and animal cruelty. Banned in New Zealand, Sweden and Australia.[47]2003ManhuntPS2, PC, XboxRockstar Games (Rockstar North) (Take-Two Interactive)Excessive violence and gore. Manhunt gained significant controversy after it was alleged that the game inspired a teenager to commit a murder. Banned in Australia.[citation needed][citation needed]2003Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach VolleyballXboxTecmoMany critics have commented that the game's use of female bodies is often ridiculous at best, and some have found it offensive.[48]2003WhiplashPlayStation 2, XboxCrystal DynamicsThe game generated some controversy over the animal cruelty, mainly by the RSPCA.[citation needed]2003Laden VS USAPanyu Gaming Electronic Co.The game was based on the September 11 attacks and the packaging used a 9/11 photograph.[49][50]2004The Sims 2PCEA GamesA player-made mod allowed for the blur effect that appears when a character is nude to be removed. However, the nude Sims are featureless.[51]2004JFK: ReloadedPCTraffic SoftwareThe player is given the role of Lee Harvey Oswald as he assassinatesU.S. PresidentJohn F. Kennedy. Criticized for its controversial content matter in recreating the assassination and was condemned by a spokesman for Senator Ted Kennedy as "despicable".[52]2004The Guy GamePC, PlayStation 2Topheavy Studios/Gathering of DevelopersAn adult trivia game that treated winners to full motion videos of young women in bikinis. One of the women that was part of the footage was unaware that she would be appearing in the game, nor was said woman in an age of consent when the video was filmed. In the subsequent lawsuit against Topheavy, Gathering of Developers, Microsoft, and Sony, an injunction banned further sales of the game. Topheavy however, released an edited version (removing footage of the woman in question) that added new footage and was later published as an interactive DVD title.[53]2005Super Columbine Massacre RPG!PCDanny LedonneThe game simulates the events of the Columbine High School massacre, having the player take on the roles of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold and reenacting the massacre.[54][55][56][57]2005GunPC, PS2, Xbox, GameCube, Xbox 360ActivisionThe game's offensive depictions of American Indians prompted the Association for American Indian Development to call a boycott against the game.[58]2004The PunisherPC, PS2, XboxVolitionInterrogation, torture, intense gun fights, drugs, and indiscriminate killing. Originally merited an "Adults Only" rating before being edited on appeal.[59][60][61][62]2006BullyPS3, Xbox360, PS2, Wii, iOS, Android, Shield Android TV, Shield Tablet, Shield PortableRockstar Games (Rockstar Vancouver) (Take-Two Interactive)Based upon its title, it was perceived that Bully glorified bullying. That the main character Jimmy could also kiss another boy was a matter of controversy.[63] Classification boards generally restricted Bully to a teenage audience: the US-based Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) classified the game with a T rating,[64] the British Board of Film Classification gave it a 15 rating, the Australian Classification Board rated it M,[65] and the New Zealand OFLC restricted it to persons 13 years of age and over. In 2007, Yahoo! Games listed it as one of the top ten controversial games of all time.[66]2006The Elder Scrolls IV: OblivionXbox 360, PC, PS3Bethesda Softworks Re-rated to "Mature" by the ESRB after a third-party mod revealed a nude topless corpse hidden in the game's data files. While the corpse did not warrant a re-rating of the game in and of itself, upon review, the ESRB noted that the game contained much more explicit violence than had been submitted to them in the original rating submission.[67]2006Hitman: Blood MoneyPC, PS2, Xbox, Xbox 360, PS3IO InteractiveExcessive violence and assassinations; magazine ads for the game featured pictures depicting murder victims.[68]2006Mind QuizNintendo DS, PSPUbisoftRecalled in the United Kingdom due to use of the word "spastic", which is considered highly offensive in said country.[69]2006Left Behind: Eternal ForcesPCLeft Behind GamesAccusations that the game promoted religious "convert or kill" violence, sexism and racism.[70][71][72] Some reviewers denied that the game contained any truly controversial gameplay,[73] but instead took issue with the game's clumsy controls, in-game advertising and lackluster AI.[74]Ars Technica called it "a relatively harmless and well-done piece of propaganda".[75]2006Resistance: Fall of ManPS3Insomniac Games The Church of England objected to the game's use of Manchester Cathedral's interior as a backdrop during a gun battle, and called for the game to be withdrawn or for the cathedral to be removed from the game.[76]2006RapeLayPCIllusion SoftRape is a core part of the gameplay, as the player takes on the role of a chikan who stalks - and subsequently rapes - a mother and her two underage daughters. Three years after its initial release, significant controversy was raised in the UK Parliament and elsewhere, and Equality Now eventually pressured its distributor to withdraw distribution of it in Japan.[77]2006Rule of RosePS2PunchlineThe Mayor of Rome called for the game to be banned from Italy, saying children "have the right to be shielded from violence".[78] The then European Union justice and security commissioner wrote an open letter condemning the game for "obscene cruelty and brutality". An Italian magazine, Panorama, claimed that in order to win the game players must bury a girl alive, which the game's European publisher disputed.[79] On the UK release day, the publisher announced that Rule of Rose would not be published in the UK, despite the game being approved for release by the Pan European Game Information (PEGI) and Video Standards Council regulatory bodies.[80]2007BioShockXbox 360, PC, PS3, iOS2K GamesAn article in The Patriot Ledger, the local paper of developer Irrational Games,[81] argued that the game is "testing the limits of the ultra-violent gaming genre with a strategy that enables players to kill characters resembling young girls."[82] The game presents an ethical choice to players, whether to kill 'Little Sisters' for extra abilities or save them and receive less. President of 2K Boston Ken Levine defended the game as a piece of art, stating "we want to deal with challenging moral issues and if you want to do that, you have to go to some dark places".[83] Jack Thompson took issue with advertisements for the game appearing during WWE SmackDown's airtime, writing to the Federal Trade Commission and stating that M-rated games should not be advertised when large numbers of under-17s are watching.[84]2007Manhunt 2PS2, PSP, PC, WiiRockstar GamesManhunt 2 has been labeled as possibly the most violent video game ever made and is infamous for being one of only four video games to have received an "Adults Only" rating due to violence, with the other three being The Punisher, Hatred, and Agony. Further controversy surrounds the Wii version due to the fact that it actually simulates the violence through motion control, causing it to be dubbed a "murder simulator".[4][21][85]2007Mass EffectPS3, Xbox 360, PCBioWareFalsely accused by evangelical blogger Kevin McCullough of containing "rape and sodomy", which later led to the removal of McCullough's blog entry on The game was featured on the Fox News Channel following the controversy,[86] with host Martha MacCallum, which included the headline "full graphic sex".[87] In actuality, the game's most explicit content is an indirect "sideboob" shot of a humanoid alien breast.[88]2007Mario Party 8WiiNintendoUse of the phrase "Turn the train spastic! Make this ticket tragic!" by the character Kamek caused controversy in the United Kingdom, where the word spastic is considered offensive (which is the same issue that Mind Quiz raised). This led to a recall of the game; it was later re-released with the word changed to erratic.[89]2008SporePCMaxisSpore's use and implementation of SecuROMdigital rights management, including the game's activation policies, was subject to widespread criticism and lawsuits; the game was listed as the most pirated game of 2008.[90][91][92][93][94]2008Muslim MassacrePCEric 'Sigvatr' VaughnThe game's contents and subject have been the subject of strong negative response; a spokesperson for the Muslim Council of Britain said "The makers of this 'game' and the ISPs (Internet service providers) who are hosting it should be quite ashamed of themselves. Anti-Muslim prejudice is already on the increase and needs to be challenged and not reinforced through tasteless and offensive stunts like this."[95]2008Invaders!Douglas Edric StanleyAn art game exhibited at the 2008 Games Convention in Leipzig. It represents the September 11 attacks in the style of Space Invaders. Players move their bodies to move the cannon and use arm movements to fire.[96] Like the original Space Invaders, death (game over) is inevitable.[97] Many people considered it tasteless and inappropriate, and Taito threatened legal action for unauthorized use of Space Invaders content.[98] The creator later pulled the game.[98]2008Silent Hill: HomecomingPS3, PC, Xbox 360Double Helix GamesThe game was banned and a rating refused in Australia and Germany for extreme violence and disturbing images which included graphic sexuality, nudity, copious blood sprays, decapitations, partially dismembered corpses, and numerous scenes of attacks, fights, torture and death.[99] The Australian version was subsequently released with the MA15+ rating and censored graphics, while the Japanese release was cancelled altogether.[citation needed]2008LittleBigPlanetPS3Media MoleculeLyrics from a licensed song, "Tapha Niang", were removed due to fears that Muslims would be offended, on the basis that it allegedly contained words from the Quran. This led to controversy about the removal itself.[100]2008Too HumanXbox 360Silicon KnightsThe game was revealed to being developed using a stolen version of Unreal Engine 3, following a successful counter-suit by Epic Games (makers of the Unreal Engine), Silicon Knights having initially sued Epic Games for "breach of contract".[101][102] In November 2012, the counter-suit was ruled in favor of Epic Games, forcing Silicon Knights to recall and destroy all copies of the game and another Unreal Engine-developed game, X-Men: Destiny, as well as cancelling other titles that had been planned to use the engine.[103][104]2008Limbo of the LostPCMajestic Studios The game's use of plagiarized assets from other games and movies prompted publishers, Tri Synergy, to stop publishing the game.[105]2009MadWorldWiiPlatinumGames[citation needed]2009Resident Evil 5PS3, Xbox 360, PC, PS4, Xbox One, Shield Android TV, Shield Portable, Shield Tablet, Nintendo SwitchCapcomThe game came under controversy for a pre-release trailer that contains scenes of racism,[106] according to Newsweek journalist N'Gai Croal in an April 2008 interview. He also stated that organizations and retailers would object to the game and that it would cause controversy on release.[106]2009SawPS3, Xbox 360, PCKonamiSeveral news publishings stated that the game's only purpose was to torture and kill people in violent ways with no sense of restraint or morality whatsoever. Some editorials called it "depraved and inhumane" and stated that "Konami should be ashamed".[107] It was also listed in the "Top ten most controversial games of 2009".[108]2009Left 4 Dead 2Xbox 360, PC (Steam)ValveThe cover art in the UK had to be altered due to a potentially offensive hand gesture being depicted.[109] The game was initially banned in Australia for its excessive violence and gore, but the uncensored version was later rated R18+ in 2014.[110] The game's New Orleans setting so soon after Hurricane Katrina was considered "a bad call".[111]2009Fat PrincessPlayStation 3
PlayStation PortableTitan StudiosCritics argued that the game concept and title were hostile to women.[112]2009Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2PS3, Xbox 360, PC,Infinity Ward A optional mission in the game entitled "No Russian" has the player assume control of an undercover Central Intelligence Agency operative, joining a group of Russian nationalist terrorists who perpetrate an airport massacre. The player is given the option to skip it at any point,[113][114] and a message before the campaign also notifies players of the disturbing material. The game was discussed briefly in the House of Commons of the United Kingdom after the issue was brought to the attention of MP Keith Vaz, a longtime opponent of violence in video games, with fellow Labour Party politician Tom Watson arguing that the level was "no worse than scenes in many films and books" and criticising Vaz for "collaborating with the Daily Mail to create moral panic over the use of video games".[115] The mission was made optional before release[116] and removed from the game entirely.[117]

Activision later removed the Favela multiplayer map from Modern Warfare 2 following complaints from Muslim gamers, which shows picture frames on the second floor bathroom of one building within Favela. When viewed through a scoped weapon, the frames contain a quote from Muhammad that translates to "Allah is beautiful and He loves beauty", according to Islam Today. One of the paintings is located directly above a toilet.[118]

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sex games packed with humour Archives

Travelling Corkscrew

In celebration of the leap year, here are 29 things you should do today (well maybe try at least one, some are a touch outrageous!). It only comes around every 4 years after all.

1. Goon Bag of Fortune. Attach two wine bladders (from the wine-in-a-box) to the clothesline at opposite sides. Everyone stands in a circle around the line and then the line is spun and whomever the bladders land on have to drink. It’s how to socialize and get a tan thanks to Kiwis and Aussies.

2. Enjoy a splash of Motörhead wine whilst rocking out on Guitar Hero.

3. Grab a bottle of sparkling wine and as many flavours of school lunch-box size bags of chip as you can find and work out what tastes best! Cheap, easy and cheerful with a slight sophistication.

4. Troll through the MythBusters videos on YouTube; can a human voice break a wine glass or could a wine truck on fire start shooting out corks? Intriguing… and of course very useful to know

5. Champagne cocktail; Pop a sugar cube in a flute, add a dash of angostura bitters and top with a cheap pour of sparkling wine and garnish with a strawberry – YUM!

6. Want to take care of your skin? Try the WineSpa products from The Lake House in Denmark. Soaps and spa/bath items at your service… What more can a girl ask for?

7. Grab an eye-popping pink can of ‘Sparkly’ if you’re in Scandinavia and jump in the sauna. Sparkly is a delicious strawberry, demi-sec blend. A rather steamy yet intoxicatingly and addictive mélange.

8. Slurp down a bottle of the voluptuous Sogno Uno – or Dream One wine launched by American porn actress Savanna Samson, which by the way was given 91 points by Robert Parker… cough …cough, I wonder how it got such a good score..?

9. If you’re in Norway, head on down to the most northern vineyard in the word, the ‘Wine of Fairytales’ vineyard.

10. If you’re in London, check out Borough Markets to fill up your own flask of wine to help the environment. 

11. Hire an American muscle car (Mustang all the way for me baby!)and enjoy a hefty Cabernet from the American Napa Valley on the bonnet.

12. Learn how to perform sabrage on a bottle of Champagne. A.k.a popping a cork with a sword/saber.. booyah!

13. Buy an Italian Chianti in its traditional bottle and once you have enjoyed it’s nectar turn it into a candleholder. Gorgeous!

14. If you’re in Egypt grab a pot of the local tucker – Koshary – and a bottle of vino made from the Egyptian born grape – Bannati.

15. Collect the corks from all your wine and use them in creative ways: cork board, use them as name place cards at a dinner party/wedding, collect them in a vase as a center piece

16. Why not splash out and take a bath in Champas, let me know if you get your £25,000 worth of enjoyment out of it.

17. Slip into your curve-hugging ‘Sandy’ leather outfit, pop on the grease movie and down some Olivia Newton-John made wine – Koala Blue.

18. Not wanting a hefty alcohol kick? Why not opt for a wine spritzer: lemonade or soda water mixed with wine. Or as wikipedia put it, a way that wine can be ‘consumed in larger, thirst quenching amounts’.

19. The ‘Game of Thrones’ drinking game. This maybe best to do with spritzers. Rule #1: drink when someone says, “winter is coming”. Rule #2: drink when you see the ginger, Sansa. Rule #3: drink when yeou see a dire wolf. Rule #4: drink when there is a reference to bad birth: bastard, imp, etc. Rule #5: this is the horrid one, however it is a horrid crime; drink your full vessel when incest occurs.

20. Grab a bottle of Pinot Noir and watch the 2004 movie ‘Sideways’.

21. Try wines made by berries such as; blackcurrant, crowberry, blueberry, artic cloudberry and even rhubarb in Lapland.

22. If you’re in London, do the ‘Great Monopoly Walking Tour’ and add in some wine bar stops along the way.

23. Grab some bottles of red wine and get watching: True Blood, Twilight, The Vampire Diaries, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Underworld, Blade or The Secret Circle. I am sure you understand the reference there.

24. Women who drink 2 glasses of wine a day have better sex. Drink up girls, it may be a study by Italian men but hey it’s worth the research right?

25. If you need a holiday and you’re in the Middle East, make sure you paraglide into the Six Senses Resort in Zighy Bay, Oman. 

26. Make your own wine with the ‘ibrew’ micro-winery.

27. ATTENTION MEN:  If you’re with a woman drink Bollinger Champagne, if you’re by yourself it’s a martini shaken not stirred. The words of the wise. You Only Live Twice, after all.

28. Go naked with natural wine.

29. Champagne ice-blocks – the best thing is that they are pretty healthy!!

At the end of the day make sure you pay your respects to a man of fine words, Benjamin Franklin,
“Wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more tolerance.” Happy leap year from the Travelling Corkscrew everyone.

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